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Democratic Party Commits Suicide

“Our platform of secret trade deals, poor-shaming, and not being Donald Trump is better than whatever it was you people came up with” mansplains donor class

“Look, did you know Keith Ellison is black?” asked one anonymous fundraiser, “How are we supposed to win with a black guy? How’s he gonna relate to the average Google Glass Explorer in the street? How’s he gonna play in some flyover state like Minnesota?”

“What’s important” continued Andy Jackson XI, a media operative with the DNC, “is that we never repeat the errors of 2016. With our cybersecurity campaign and efforts to block ‘fake news’ we can now be sure that next time we rat-fuck a primary, we will never, ever, be caught. And that’s what matters.”

“Anyway, toodle-oo! We’re busy right now. And don’t forget to vote Zuckerberg-Kaine in 2020. They’ll be running against Trump, of course, so you won’t have any choice.”